


Changes

by visibleheaven



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Dark, Depression, F/M, Nightmares, PTSD, impulsive, suicidal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-10
Packaged: 2018-02-24 10:11:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2577773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visibleheaven/pseuds/visibleheaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our two minds, mine reasonable and logical, his rash and bold, make a good team. We can survive, but I cannot live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I am not strong. I am not a leader. I can’t do this.

When our ship crashed onto Earth, everybody looked at me for reasonable guidance. If not Bellamy would have turned everybody into chaotic savages much sooner.

Earth was more than anything I could have ever imagined. Everything is so different then back at home. I gaze up into the forest, and see an endless amount of trees. The water is a crystal blue, it taste better than the metallic water back home. It's fresh, clear, and natural.  The sky looks different from space. I only see blue and green. But here it's a soft blue with white fluffy clouds. The air is fresh; breathing isn't something I ever expected to enjoy so much. The sky changes when its night, it sparkles because of the stars. When I look up at the sky, I know what’s out there, infinity. When I stare into the endless forest in front of me, chills run down my spine. We have no idea what lies ahead of us. What have we gotten ourselves into? For now all I can do is gaze in wonder at the beauty Earth had to offer.

In just a few short weeks I go from loving waking up and seeing the forest around me, and feeling the soft grass beneath my feet to dreading it.

Now, I can no longer see the beauty in anything. My mind is closed and if it were up to me I could curl up in a deep corner of the forest and sleep for the remainder of my life. This cannot be the case, because Bellamy and I have become co-leaders.

Our two minds, mine reasonable and logical, his rash and bold, make a good team. We can survive, but I cannot live.

The weight of my father’s death is riding on my shoulders more and more each day. Sometimes I can hardly breathe. I have no control over myself anymore.

Its dark out and everyone has gone to sleep. I woke up from a reoccurring nightmare about my father, and tears are silently streaming down my face. I sit up in my make shift bed and start gasping for air, I cannot breathe suddenly. This nightmare is taking over.

Everything is closing in on me; every time I breathe in it feels like the tent walls are closing in on me. Someone is by my side. I tense up before I realize its Bellamy my side, wrapping his arms around me.

“Hey it’s okay Princess. You’re okay I got you. You’re safe,” Bellamy whispers gently.

I don’t believe that any of us are safe, with grounders still out there, but just hearing Bellamy’s voice makes me calm. He has a reassurance to his voice, when he talks you can’t help but feel alright.

Bellamy stops whispering when my breathing becomes normal. He rocks me back and forth until I fall into a deep sleep, curled up on his lap.

* * *

 

 

When we landed on Earth the only thing I knew about Clarke was that she was the daughter of a government official. Now, with Octavia trying to convince me she is old enough to make her own decisions I have time for myself, and I have taken a great interest in Clarke.

She is a much better leader then me. She weighs the pros and cons of every choice we make as leaders. She is a protector and a healer. She cares for so many in a way I never could.

I destroy everything I touch. I think to quickly and I never think of the consequences of my actions. The only person I ever took care of was Octavia, and she hates me. Even after everything I did for her. I gave up my life for her.

Day after day I have grown more attached to Clarke. I see the light shine on her skin, and the sparkle in her eye. When she smiles, my heart skips and beat. I have never felt this way before.

She never even gives me a second glance. I wish she would see me in the same light; one sided love hurts more than any wound. More than anything I have ever experienced before.

Some of the hunters are having a fire in the middle of the camp. I start to walk over and join them when I hear a soft cry; one that sounded like the person in distress.

I follow the sound of the crying, it leads me to the tenting area. Hesitantly I unzip the tent doors and walk in.

Sitting in the dark, is a person, no a girl, with her arms wrapped around her legs. It's Clarke. I quickly drop to my knees and pull her onto my lap. She tenses up but I hold her close to me, giving her a sense of comfort. Seeing her cry breaks my heart. She doesn't deserve to feel this kind of pain. I quickly realize this strong and beautiful girl is just as damaged as the rest of us and I have been ignoring that.

When she calms down, she falls asleep curled into my arms. I have a responsibility to look after her now. I stay up till first light of the sun, watching the rise and fall of her chest.

 


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up in a tent that is unfamiliar to me, but I am comfortable with these new surroundings. The air in the tent is warm, I feel like I am back at home for a split second. I feel strangely safe. I roll onto my side, and close my eyes just taking deep breathes. Then, the memories from last night came flooding back to me. I now realize where I am. This is Bellamy’s tent.

Right on queue, Bellamy walks through the tent door.

“Morning Princess,” Bellamy says arrogantly. Confidence is always radiating off of that boy. Sometimes the amount of confidence makes me slightly uncomfortable.

“Sorry for the change of location, I know this must be strange to you, but I thought you would be a little more comfortable in my tent.”

“Thanks.” I say nervously. I start to get up, but Bellamy sits down on the bed beside me.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but you seemed to be distraught last night. If you ever need to talk about it please know that I am and always here for you, okay?”

This is the first time I have seen Bellamy act so gentle, and caring to another human being. It is slightly unnerving, but strangely comforting. I like it. This is a side of Bellamy that I would I like to get to know.

I thank Bellamy for his offer, and leave the tent to start the day.

Everything is routine now. We patrol the area, to make sure no grounders are near. I make sure Octavia is staying out of trouble. Then, I check up on Raven to see if she needs help making bullets. Bellamy is in charge of hunters, and their tasks. Such as, gathering food, and building shelters.

When I get a spare minute, which is a very rare occasion, I take a walk through the forest.

Yes I know the consequences, if a grounder finds me, but I don’t care. My whole life I dreamed of walking on Earth, and I am not going to take this opportunity for granted.

The sky is a clear blue today. I lived in space my entire life, and always dreamed of being on Earth. When I finally get to walk the ground I dreamed of, I look up at the sky. It’s a strange concept. You never truly know what you have until it’s gone. In my heart I miss home and I miss my dad.

I sit by the stream. This is the only chance I can get to clear my thoughts. The sound of rushing water beside me, and the gentle breeze flowing through the air, it’s no wonder I start to nod of.

A rustling in the bushes catches my attention. I stand to my feet quickly and look around for something I could potentially use as a weapon. I grab the closest stick, this won’t be a lot of protection but buying time is better than being vulnerable in front of an enemy.

I see a figure walk through the bushes and I charge.

“Clarke it’s me.” I hear from a familiar voice.

“Bellamy?” I scream. “What the hell, I could have killed you!”

“With a stick.” he chuckles.

“Shut up,” I laugh, throwing the stick to my side.

“What are you doing out here?”

“I go out here to clear my mind. There is always so much going on at once, I just get too caught up in everything.” I find myself opening up to Bellamy. We have been co-leaders for almost a month now and we barely know each other, but I feel like I can trust him.

“You know when I was a kid; my dad told me stories of Earth. He said that the sound of running water was the most comforting sound. The colors would all look brighter, something like a dream.” I am rambling now. Bellamy just sits and listens. “He was right, you know.”

“Your dad sounds like a smart man.”

“He was.” I whisper to myself, looking down at the ground. I kick a lose stone into the river. I want to tell Bellamy that I miss my father more than anything. I want to spill my heart out for this boy. I need to stop this. I need to control my feelings. I can’t go spilling my heart out to anybody that shows me the slightest bit of attention. I remind myself that he doesn’t really care, he is just curious. Once he finds his answers he will leave.

* * *

 

 A strand of Clarke’s blonde hair falls in front of her face when she looks, down and I have to push aside the urge to reach over and brush the strand behind her ear and out of her face.

“Do you miss him?” I impulsively ask. What a stupid question of course she misses her dead father.

“Every single day,” She responds sadly.

I really don’t know what else to do but to just sit there, and listen. I feel so useless. Clearly, she is unhappy and I have no idea how to cheer her up. 

So I take off my shirt.

“What are you doing?” She asks nervously.

I don’t say anything till I am waist deep in the freezing cold water. “Are you coming?” I ask excitedly.

“Like brother like sister,” she laughs. “You’re both insanely stupid!”

“Don’t be like that Princess, get in the water.”

“You’re crazy, Bellamy.”

I quickly run out of the water and pick Clarke up; I swing her over my shoulder and run back into the river.

“Bellamy, no!” She laughs loudly, kicking her feet wildly and pounding her fists on my back. 

I pretend to drop her.

“Bellamy!”

“Do you really want down,” I question.

“Yes,” She screams again.

“As you wish, my dear.” I drop her gently into the water.

“Bellamy, the water is freezing you ass,” she giggles while splashing water into my face.

We spent the rest of the afternoon by the river, playing in the water and laying on flat rocks feeling the sun’s warm rays on our skin.

Sometimes my impulse decisions aren’t always bad. Sometimes they are the best choice I could have ever made. I hope this is one of them.


	3. Chapter 3

It has been a few days since Bellamy and I have talked. We are both insanely busy. The grounders have attacked camp twice and everybody is on edge. With negative energy floating through the air, I struggle to keep my calm. Everybody in camp needs Bellamy and I more than ever. This is no time for me to be wallowing in self pity.

Night comes all too quickly. It is getting a lot colder at night and the sun sets earlier. The risk of grounders attacking is gradually increasing. They know the forests a lot better than any of us, meaning they can travel in the dark. Right now they are at an advantage. This just adds another worry for me to constantly be thinking about.

I am extremely selfish to even think about walking over to Bellamy’s tent. He has just as much worry that I have and I should not be bothering the poor boy. But I am weak, and I need help. So I wait till I know everybody is fast asleep, and I make my way over to Bellamy.

When I get to his tent, I reconsider my actions for a moment. I stand outside for a few seconds, before a cool gust of wind practically makes me open Bellamy’s tent.

Once inside the tent, I walk over to Bellamy’s bed. I gently shake his shoulder.

“Bellamy,” I whisper, “Are you awake.”

Bellamy quickly grabs my wrist, before he realizes that it’s me and not an intruder.

“I guess I am now, what’s up,” he says sleepily.

“I need to talk to you.”

That certainly woke him up.

“You can always talk to me, you know that,” Bellamy says with worry in his eyes.

I take a deep breath. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“Take your time.”

There has been so much emotion building up inside of me, that it all just bursts out. “I can’t do it Bellamy. I am literally so done with everything. I am the reason my father died. I fuck up everything I do. I am not a leader; leaders are strong and I am weak.”

Bellamy gently pulls me into a hug and rocks me back and forth. I start to sob. I know Bellamy doesn't really care, he must not. He is Bellamy and his previous actions caution me to step around emotion with him. But right now I am being selfish.

The shaking has started and I can’t breathe. Images of my dad being floated flash in my head. I let go of Bellamy and grab my head.

“It’s your fault,” an unfamiliar voice whispers.

I look around the room, with tears in my eyes. There’s no one here except Bellamy and I. The room gets darker and Bellamy’s touch slips away.

Suddenly, I am standing alone in a dark room.

“Bellamy,” I scream.

“You’re the reason your father is dead,” the voice whispers again.

I look around the room, and try to find somebody in the darkness.

“You killed him.”

“Shut up,” I scream.

The voice continues to get louder, until it completely fills the room. I grab my head in agony, the voice is too much.

“What do you want from me,” I yell.

The voices stop. I can feel somebody breathing on the back of my neck. “I want you to die,” the voice whispers in my ear.

The room is filled with silence. The darkness has completely taken over.

* * *

 

 When Clarke came into my room and asked to talk, I was shocked. I thought she would never trust me. This is a good step forward. But when she started to cry, I could feel her pain. This beautiful girl has too much pain and if I could I would gladly take it all away.

Things take a turn for the worst when she starts to shake. I hug her tighter and rub her back gently. I need her to feel safe. I need to keep her from breaking completely.

When Clarke stops shaking, I assume she fell asleep. But when I pull her away from me her eyes are wide open staring into space. Clarke's breathing has evened out, but her body has been left in a state of shock.

I am beyond panic. My heart is pounding in my chest and fear has stricken ever part of my body.

“Clarke, wake up.” I shake her shoulders; she doesn't snap out of her state. I don’t know what to do; Clarke is the medic in the camp. There is nobody to go to. I am alone.

“Clarke, baby please.” I pull her body close.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” I whisper to myself.

Out of nowhere Clarke starts wailing.

I want to yell at her for scaring the hell out of me. But I know it wasn't her fault. She is probably just as scared as I am. 

“It’s okay princess. You’re okay now. You're safe with me.” 

I promise.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, hope you enjoy!


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